நீயா நான்

I have thought about this topic so many times. Why I am behaving totally different and strange sometimes!!!!

I consider myself to be a jovial, easy going, fun loving person. But is that the truth? I really don't know the answer

Sometimes, some days I act really weird, strange. What's making me to act like that?

One day, I will be totally excited and feel that this is what I am. And the other day, I will be totally down, fed up and feel irritated to the core.

And when I am not in a good mood, I am really down and stubborn. I really go out of control, and end up crying.

Crying has always been a sense of relief for me to come out of stress. I really don't know why I get to that level of frustration. But I have noticed that I get easily stressed out these days.

I have at least learnt to manage during happy times, but still have not figured out a way to handle it during the stressful times.

Standing in front of the mirror, almost every day, I ask myself "Neeyaa Naan", Naanaa appadi ellam pesinen"… This isn't you Thillai… You used to be really good and liked by everyone around me"… like this myself explanations, debates continue forever. The good and bad thoughts of me keep juggling in my mind.

I want to have a balanced life, both good and bad, allowing me to realize, enjoy, accept, and cherish everything.

I realize that all these boils down to the question of "Who Am I". One Day I will get my answer definitely and I am eagerly waiting for that!!!!

 

My Mama

This is for my mama Mr.P.Parandhaman.

Mama, now you are not with us; I never realized the respect I had for you when you were there. I had always thought that I am afraid of you; I always differ from your thoughts. To be frank, I always imagined you like someone to whom I had the need to prove myself. But I was completely wrong.

Some day in May 1996 I came to your house for the first time. I really don't remember anything about you from my child hood days. I was very much reluctant to mingle with you all for the first time for whatsoever reasons.

I used to come to Chennai for almost all the long vacations. You will give us a route map every day to go around the city. That time I thought you are not even willing to accompany us, but realized later that you helped us to learn to manage things on our own.

You taught me so many things. Right from table manners to how I should manage myself with different people.

You also wanted us to see the other side of world though we were still in college. I still remember the journey with you and Suba to Meenjur to that Power Plant. I wonder how you managed to work that hard. With so many trips in one month, shuttling from one corner to other… all for your family. Hats off to you.

The way you taught us sounded harsh to me those days. But everything makes perfect sense now. You always wanted the best things to happen to us.

I really enjoyed coming out with you in Coimbatore. Those were not just outings; they gave me lot of freedom and allowed lot of space for my thoughts.

When I had just entered into Diploma, You asked me to read Hindu newspaper without any mistakes. I did find it really hard that time. I still remember you scolding me for not able to read the paper with confidence. That's when I wanted to prove myself to you. You are definitely one main reason for what I am now.

Sometimes, You did treat me like a kid, and I enjoyed that as well. Even when the families had lot of misunderstandings, miscommunications, you never missed to show your affection to me. Your presence when I was completely ill because of that accident; made me to realize lot and lot of things. Where ever you go, you never missed to call me just to say "Hello".

You really cared for me Mama. I never realized, admitted, acknowledged your love, affection.

You took so much care that I should look good when I was to meet my partner. That was so nice of you.

Even after knowing that you are in a serious condition, I expected you to be there for my marriage. I missed you badly on that day. If not for marriage, I wanted to meet you to get your blessings. But that didn't happen.

The biggest miss in my life is that, I couldn't get a chance to be with you during your last days.

I go to Chennai frequently now, but it's not the same. The house is not the same. I used to cry every time while returning from Chennai for missing Suba. That was funny days with childish reactions.

Now whenever I go to your house, I cry unknowingly. The memories, the long chats in the stone bench outside the house… I miss everything Mama.

I still hear you Mama. I feel as if you have just gone for another trip.

You are definitely with us, you will always be!!

-Thillai